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Quarantine Me

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Posted on January 13 2010 under Arts & Entertainment

By Matt Terry

I have a confession to make: I caught the bug. I did not quarantine myself and I actively spread it around.

I'm usually much stronger, but I guess this time I just couldn't beat it. I mean, what's a guy to do? When you receive that many emails featuring kittens playing peak-a-boo, puppies cuddling with moose and wedding parties dancing down the aisle, you're eventually going to believe that your friends, family and co-workers need to see them.

You're inevitably going to come down with Forwarditis. I did.

It came from my mother, who has been sick with it for years. I'm not sure where she got it from, but she sure does her best to make sure everyone else is exposed. Five, six, sometimes 10 emails a day, all containing photos, videos or, in severe cases, chain-letter like instructions to avoid a lifetime of bad luck.

I do my best to sanitize my inbox on a daily, even hourly basis, but last week I just couldn't keep up. I gave in and clicked open, only to find a photograph of a black bear wearing a pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt, under which my mother had written, “This is crazy! I wonder how they got him to wear those!”

Now, I have never known a time without the magic of Photoshop, and I realize that some visual trickery was behind this particular image. I've noticed, however, that some people of a certain age tend to believe everything they see, perhaps not realizing the technological power that digital artists, graphic designers and basement-dwelling nerds now possess. I know for a fact, however, that my mother also knows about such things, but she likes to believe what she likes to believe.

The bear wasn't as bad as the video of the flying unicorn that dropped marshmallows into the hands of small children, so I let her comment slide – unlike the email. For reasons I still don't fully comprehend, I felt the insatiable desire to share the photo with others. Any other time I would have deleted such digital drivel without a thought, but this time was different.

Suddenly, I found myself searching for the “forward” button, a rarely-used feature of my email client. I created a list of people who I knew would love the bear. It was wearing people clothes, after all. I sent the flurry of disease-ridden emails to so many unsuspecting victims that I'm surprised I haven't been chased down by Health Canada. Or a friend with good taste.

Looking back on my actions, I now realize the pain that my mistake has caused. I should have followed the guidelines of the medical community and kept the email away from work, quarantined my computer and tucked my mouse into the crook of my arm.

Everything would have been better if I had followed proper health precautions. I did not, so I must now go on knowing that of the 16 people I sent the photo to, at least five have come down with severe cases of Forwarditis. That's almost enough for the World Health Organization to declare a pandemic.

To those I've sickened, I apologize. To the rest of you, some advice: if you should find yourself in contact with a cheesy, corny or lame forwarded email, do the the right thing. Hit delete.

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